Why women aren’t always attracted to ‘funny’ guys

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Love, sex Relationships

Date

February 5, 2014 – 3:48PM

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(16)
18 comments

Comedian Gilbert Gottfried.

In last month’s Playboy, comedian Gilbert Gottfried wondered why women say they “want a guy with a sense of humour” and yet are rarely interested in having sex with Gilbert Gottfried. “Ask them what they’re looking for in a man, and more often than not they’ll tell you, ‘Somebody who makes me laugh.’ But I’m here to tell you, as a man who has made his living in comedy for more than three decades, that women are full of shit. Being funny (and I have occasionally been funny) has never gotten me laid in my life.”

Comedy duo Flight of the Conchords.

Comedy duo Flight of the Conchords, who regularly sing about the ladies don’t love them back.

Why aren’t ladies spreading their legs at every quack of the Aflac duck? Perhaps it is because we disagree with Gottfried on the definition of “occasionally,” or because Gottfried has been married since 2007, or because he publicly complains that women fail to spontaneously shed their panties whenever he makes a funny. Who knows! There are endless justifications for not having sex with Gilbert Gottfried.

But Gottfried’s broader question—if humor is so important to scoring, why do some comedians strike out?—is a question that interests to me. In a recent New York Times article, Oxford experimental psychologist Gordon Claridge shares new research that speaks to one theory: The very same qualities that make standups beloved on the stage could compromise their appeal as a date.

Compared to the layperson, comedians display a “tendency towards impulsive or anti-social behavior,” a “tendency to avoid intimacy,” and a “reduced ability to feel social and physical pleasure,” Claridge found in a study published in the British Journal of Psychiatry. Claridge asked 523 comedians to “complete an online questionnaire designed to measure psychotic traits in healthy people,” and determined that “the creative elements needed to produce humor” are “strikingly similar” to those of low-level psychosis.

The study found that comedians are even more psychotic than actors.

This is itself a stale joke—you gotta be crazy to go up there in front of a tough crowd, night after night—but it also speaks to the unique terribleness of the LA dating scene, where every other dude is a [whatever]-slash-standup-comedian. Witty repartee between two parties is sexy. A dude performing his routine over dinner is not.

A shared sense of humor can foster intimacy between two people, but jokes can also be wielded as a tool to avoid getting too close. It doesn’t help that the comedy world is extremely male-dominated (four-fifths of Claridge’s subjects were men), that the old shtick that women are not funny is still in rotation, and that female comedians who try to enter that world are, as LA-based comic Gaby Dunn has written, often framed assexual conquests instead of peers.

None of these dynamics are ideal for fostering chemistry between men and women. For many of us, the attraction of laughter still hinges on equality and respect. It’s the difference between seeing humor as a social pleasure instead of as a way for Gilbert Gottfried to get off.

Slate

18 comments

Humour is incredibly important in a relationship.There are many men who make me laugh but I’m not attracted to all of them. My partner and I banter a lot. We share the same sense of humour, he doesn’t necessarily crack me up all the time.

I find some men (I work in a very heavily male dominated field) are just constantly wise cracking and joking and it can actually get quite competitive between them. In the end I just have to sit there listening to a barrage of bad jokes, in jokes, quotes and piss taking or I walk off to actually be with someone that I can talk WITH. Sometimes the constant clever dick attitude gets quite grating. Especially in meetings where I can’t walk away.

Whoever said that women talk more than men hasn’t worked at my company…..

Commenter
Sherbert
Location
Sydney
Date and time
February 05, 2014, 9:56AM
- Hear hear – try working in construction. It’s a constant game of daily ‘whose-the-funniest-one-up-man-ship’. Utterly jaded to the point I’ve met a guy I’ve never heard joke or even laugh and worship the ground he walks on.
  
  Commenter
  Katie
  Location
  Melbourne
  Date and time
  February 05, 2014, 4:33PM
Women say that they like a guy with a sense of humour. What they really mean is that if they already like a guy, they will laugh at any old rubbish he says.

Commenter
hmmm
Location

Date and time
February 05, 2014, 9:59AM
- Pretty much!
  
  Commenter
  Spadeboy
  Location
  
  Date and time
  February 05, 2014, 2:26PM
Although I’m a man, I believe women are very wise to be wary of funny guys. I certainly am!
Why? Though they’re fun at times and very friendly – super friendly in fact, I’ve frequently found them to be irresponsible, smooth talking and quick witted in terms of getting out of doing the things they should. They’re masters at devising silly excuses for not fulfilling their duties at work, school or otherwise. Some are even downright dishonest. Make substance your number one priority when choosing a guy ladies. The ever funny guy is usually shallow.

Commenter
Lushan
Location

Date and time
February 05, 2014, 10:31AM
Sounds right. To me it seems a lot of humour relies on making surprising associations or rapidly changing the stream of a conversation in unexpected directions. Inappropriate comments that make people momentarily uncomfortable can be good for a nervous laugh. Oh, and fart jokes of course. None of this seems to be the stuff of good foundations for a relationship (especially fart jokes).

Of course I am rationalising my own situation. I see myself as funny (no evidence provided here admittedly). I can go from heartfelt and sincere to jokey and back very quickly. It has occurred to me that this can keep women off-balance enough that they see me as insincere and untrustworthy, or at least not worth the effort of understanding. And perhaps I unwittingly use humour as a barrier to protect my own insecurities. Excuses, excuses.

Interesting topic thanks.

Commenter
Graeme
Location
Sydney
Date and time
February 05, 2014, 11:02AM
“Witty repartee between two parties is sexy. A dude performing his routine over dinner is not.”

This is it in a nutshell. Plenty of my mates are funny guys, and do well, but the two stand up comedians I’ve worked with haven’t. This is because they believed their purpose was to make everyone laugh every time they opened their mouths. If we didn’t laugh, they’d get sulky because they thought they had failed. It’s exhausting.

This is also my gripe with the theatre people I know. Most of them have this strange notion that everything has to be a big performance, and everything has to be hilarious and bombastic. Not trying to tell people they should act differently for my benefit, but if you’re an actor/comedian don’t assume a group of people is automatically an audience.

Commenter
Alex
Location
Melbourne
Date and time
February 05, 2014, 11:11AM
- Odd, because professional comedians say that it’s exhausting that people expect them to be funny in normal life away from the stage and cameras. For many, it’s the last thing they need. The movie King of Comedy with Jerry Lewis in the lead role demonstrated this long ago.
  
  Commenter
  beria
  Location
  
  Date and time
  February 05, 2014, 2:17PM
I haven’t read the original interview but it sounds to me like the quote was just observational comedy rather than being intended as a serious explantion as to his lack of sexual success from being a funny guy. Plenty of women (and men) say they want someone who makes them laugh but what they really mean is someone who is good looking, successful, well off etc and also can make them laugh.

How funny you are perceived as being is also a function of what else you have to offer. Most of us are happy to chuckle along at whatever excuse for a joke our boss or clients come out with, if one of our frieds tried the same line they’d get an eye roll at best. And if a beautiful or rich woman (or man) tells a lame joke you can be sure there will be plenty of people pretending to laugh like a drain.

Funny is nice but it doesn’t pay the bills and when there is no money there is a fair chance there isn’t much to laugh about either. Despite what many people say what they actually want is security, anything after that is what makes you stand out rather than being the most important thing.

Commenter
Hurrow
Location

Date and time
February 05, 2014, 11:37AM
So the answer is, be funny, but also be all the other things someone finds attractive.

Well, that’s cleared that up then.

Commenter
DM
Location

Date and time
February 05, 2014, 11:51AM

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