Last week, I was going through some of the old columns and other paraphernalia I’ve collected over the last half century, including most of the “Open Line” columns. Someone in the family is going to have a real job throwing things away when I bid this world goodbye.
One I found, written back on June 13, 1976, I got a big kick out of. Older folk may remember it, but if they are like me, I had forgotten it.
It was the first column after I grew my beard, and I opened by telling of the reaction of folk when I came back off vacation wearing my new growth.
Then I switched to more mirth that comes oftentimes when something goes awry in church services – or used to. Here are a few examples of those funny church happenings that were printed in that column. The examples from real services came up during a church fellowship at a couple’s home.
• A minister giving his enthusiastic sermon about Jonah and the whale had a slight problem during delivery. He said, “There was Jonah, in the whelly of…..” He realized his mistake, tried to straighten out, adding, “I mean, he was in the bole’s whelly.” Needless to say, by this time his congregation was in stitches.
• I was in this service many years ago when our pastor had some problems with his subject that included the Crown of Thorns. It began as, “thrown of corns,” followed with, “corn of throwns,” and a few other variations. He went on with the rest of the sermon after being unable to get the phrasing correct.
• This preacher was a very good friend of mine. I like to have lost it when he told me this story which occurred after he had become pastor of his first church. He was having a hard time remembering the names of the folk in the congregation. His wife suggested he use the word-association method.
The inevitable happened during a Sunday evening service. One member’s name, “Kicker,” had been very hard to remember. His wife suggested thinking of “mule” which should help with the situation.
At the end of the service, my friend called on “Mr. Mule” to dismiss in prayer. While members of he congregation looked around to see who was “Mr. Mule,” my friend quickly bowed his head and dismissed the service in prayer himself.
He has been pastor of one of the largest churches in Memphis for decades.
• Another minister had big problems with a Christmas sermon. During his sermon, he mentioned the gifts brought by the wise men. In describing the gifts, he said they brought gifts of gold, myrrh, and “Frankenstein.” In this case, the speaker didn’t realize the mistake until it was brought up by a parishioner after services.
• Finally, one on this writer, when I was much younger.
I served as music director at a church in Paris, Tennessee, for a couple of years, while working weekdays at this newspaper. I previously served as the first music/choir director at Hillcrest Baptist Church here in Clarksville.
During a revival at Paris, a couple from Hillcrest, who were former members at the Paris church, returned for homecoming. So, I proudly recognized them during services, introducing them as “former Parisites.”
I guess the lesson to learn here is not to try to be too proper – it can make you look foolish.
Jim Monday served 38 years as an editor and writer for The Leaf-Chronicle and started this column in 1965.
Article source: http://www.theleafchronicle.com/story/news/local/communities/2014/08/02/open-line-verbal-gaffes-add-humor/13514089/